Livewell Southwest continues to support LGBT+ History Month, an annual celebration that provides education and insight into the issues faced by the Lesbian, Gay, Bisexual, and Transgender community and works to combat prejudice against them.
Simon Badman, Service Support Manager, is married to Lawrence, Social Work Practice Teacher, both at Livewell Southwest. Simon and Lawrence have been together for 9 years and have a son, Jayden. This is Simon’s story …
I joined Livewell in October 2019, and manage the Place Based and Urgent Care Admin team. Before joining Livewell, I worked as a General Manager in the hospitality sector for 15 years, so this was a complete career change, and something I’m really pleased I did.
I grew up in Helston, Cornwall, with my parents, my two sisters and my brother. I was the strange kid at school; I knew I was different, but I didn’t know why. I had a lot of anger and I didn’t know where it was coming from.
I knew from around seven years old that I didn’t have similar feelings for girls at school like the other boys did. I couldn’t talk to any professional, inside or outside of school, because of Section 28 – banning the ‘promotion’ of homosexuality by local authorities.
The only people I could talk to were my parents and wider family, I’m lucky to have such a supportive family. But Section 28 made it feel wrong to feel that way, so I bottled it up.
A few months before I came out, my parents told me that our uncle was in a relationship with his “friend” and that they were boyfriends. We had accepted them being together without actually knowing they were together. They were inseparable and would stay with us sometimes, but it was never questioned why there was only one bed made up. I think this led to my siblings accepting that there was nothing wrong with me when I came out.
My parents guessed that I was gay, but never pushed it on me. Before coming out, I’d talked with my uncles who both said that they’d be there to support me. I visited them in Nottingham and was able to ask all the questions that I’d kept to myself. Since then, I’ve never been ashamed of who I am, or who I love; what makes me different to anyone else in this world?
I moved back to Cornwall in 2011 after living in Lanzarote for a year. I moved in with a work colleague and started to make some great friendships. I got involved with Pride of Plymouth, a charity, who were great adversaries for Plymouth Pride. One of the things the charity supported was a monthly coffee group, and this is where I met Lawrence. We chatted all night and discovered that we had similar interests. We both enjoyed watching films and drinking hot chocolate, whilst curled up on the sofa, rather than partying all night. Since that momentous coffee, we’ve gone on to get married and adopt our son Jayden (Jay)!
I knew that I always wanted a child of my own, but I’d come to terms with the fact that it may never happen. Lawrence wasn’t against the idea, but it wasn’t something he was actively thinking about, until one, beautiful moment. We were having a meal together and saw a father comfort his child after she’d fallen. In that moment, we knew that we wanted a family together.
The adoption process was relatively simple, and it took around six months for us to be approved. We adopted through another local authority and were worried about whether they would support us through the adoption process, or even if we’d be approved, but all that was put aside on our first meet and greet with our social worker; he told us about another gay couple that he’d supported through the process, and agreed to put us in touch with them, so we could talk about shared experiences.
It took a further 18 months to match us with a child. We felt that some of the national UK agencies were dismissing our application for a child simply because we were a same sex couple. We told ourselves that we weren’t a suitable match because of the skills needed for that child, and not that we were a same sex couple, but it was hard. Our social workers remained positive and reminded us that when the time was right, it would happen, and it did. Jay came to us just at the right time, we were ready, and he was ready to go to his forever home. When he came home, I couldn’t stop sobbing because I knew it wasn’t just another visit, and he wouldn’t need to leave at the end.
Having Jay was challenging at first, we were so used to our quiet home, with just us and our cats, and then we had a two-year-old boy suddenly pop into our lives. His foster carer, who he was so close to, was no longer there for him, and we were still learning how to be parents.
As the days and weeks went by, Jay got more and more confident, and started to become the Jay that he is now, whom we love more and more each day.
We’ve been very lucky and haven’t faced any issues as a same sex family at nursery, school, or with health and local services. To be more inclusive, Jay’s nursery changed their forms from ‘mum and dad’, to parent one and parent two. On Mother’s Day, they made cards to “someone special”.
Livewell provide Jay’s health care services, and when I first met our health care advisor, she made me feel at ease, and that everything was perfectly normal as a new parent – I’d like to pass on my thanks to her.
Jay’s school has been amazing. When we visited, the Headteacher reassured us that she would do everything she could to support our family. The school recognised that we were a same sex couple and talked to us to find out more.
I never thought that I’d be sitting here writing this – how things have changed in the last 20 years. When I was 16, I didn’t think that I’d be a father, or marry another man, but here I am, and it’s all down to the dedication of the LGBT+ community, championing equality.
There’s still a lot of work to do, there are still people that face discrimination and homophobia, but as each generation comes of age, another barrier is broken down.
There are simple things that providers of children’s services can do, forms are one, the small things have a big impact. Don’t assume that there’s a mum in that child’s life, or if dad’s at home with them because mum’s at work. Jay will happily correct someone when they ask about his mum, but it does raise a few questions later that evening. There’s nothing we can’t talk about as a family, and if Jay’s got a question he feels that he can’t ask us, he’ll always ask his foster carer, who we meet every holiday or half term, because she was, and always will be, a big part of his life.
When you ask Jay what he thinks about having two dads, he says: “Amazing and lovely!!” He’s never been worried about what people think, he’s happy that he has two people that love him. But he still tries: “If Daddy says no, I’ll try Pops, because he might say yes!”
There’s nothing I would change in my life. Everything that happened to me growing up helped to shape the future of today and lead me to have my amazing life and my amazing family.
If you’d like to hear more from Simon, head over to his blog: www.daddyandpops.co.uk
